My sign is not the only thing that changed...

Man, how things change.  Just when you think, you’ve figured out your place in this world...life hops on a plane, headed in a totally different direction leaving a perfectly sane Gemini, dazed and confused. Not to mention struggling to figure out why she’s now a Taurus! WTF?

Sometimes change can be predicted...like at the end of those 9 months...you know you’re going to have a sore you-know-what, and a precious little baby.  Even though you know change is coming, you still aren’t totally prepared. That’s when the Witch Hazel comes in handy.

Change also has a way of sneaking up and hitting you right smack in the face with a canoe paddle. You don’t know it’s coming until...WHAM!...broken canoe paddle and sore brain! Those changes hurt deeply, but at least there was no anticipating the pain.

I hate the changes that are in the middle. You decide something, thinking the outcome will be one thing, but along the way you get glimpses of the canoe paddle speeding toward your face. You realize, what you thought was going to happen may end painfully different for you or someone you love, so you’re faced with a decision. These decisions suck!  They are hard and scary. They make you dig deep. You have to search your soul, hoping to find that damn plane your life jumped on and try to make a safe landing. Sometimes the decision to avoid hurt is as painful as the face smack you are trying to dodge.

A year ago, I went back to school. I’d decided this would be the best time for our family.  My kids were in school full time and I only worked part time.  I thought I could still be the parent I wanted to be and have time to dedicate to school. I thought that in 4 years (or so) I’d be done. This fall, I saw a canoe paddle or two in the distance, but shrugged them off.  As finals and the holidays approached, I couldn’t avoid the canoe paddles whizzing past my head any longer.   

I wasn’t able to predict a year ago that my decision to go back to school would be painful for my children. I wasn’t able to predict a year ago that my photography hobby would turn into a photography business. I wasn’t able to predict a year ago, I’d be so busy, I wouldn’t take pictures of my own children as much. I wasn’t able to predict a year ago, I wouldn’t have time to write.  

I had to make a decision. I knew that my kids couldn’t handle another crazy semester and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to either. Do I continue to go to school, and put photography on hold? Do I take time off of school, and give this photography thing a whirl? Do I take fewer classes, and take fewer photos? Do I put one dream on hold to pursue another one? Should I trudge through until I finish what I’ve started? This decision I needed to make was going to be painful, scary and hard. I needed to dig deep and search my soul.  I needed to locate that damn plane and land it now.

I bought a book at Goodwill a few days ago. It’s called Daily Affirmations for Parents by Tian Dayton. It’s full of pearls of wisdom on how to nurture your children and renew yourself as you deal with the roller coaster that is parenthood. I believe that people and things come into our lives for a reason, and this book is one of those things.  It came to me just when I needed it most. It helped me put things into perspective. It addressed many things, but these were the passages & quotes that helped me the most.

Change:

“Today I will embrace change. I know that change is the only true constant in life and today I will not resist it. I will let change happen. If I cling to the past, I will distort my present and if I fight change in the now, I will postpone my future. Every thing in nature changes - the seasons, the water levels, grass, leaves, wind, fruits and vegetables.  Nature is in a constant of flux and change and without this, there would be no growth.  My child and I are part of nature too.  We do not need to force change; it happens by itself. Ours is to allow it and in that way we grow.”

“All is flux, nothing stays still...nothing endures but change.” - Heraclitus

Hurrying Childhood: 

“I will not jump ahead of you today. I will meet you where you are.  Why rush? There is time enough to be a grown up. Pushing and moving too quickly will not make you a better one. In fact being fully where you are today will allow the next stage to happen more easily. It is beautiful to be young, to look forward to each day growing taller, learning new things, doing tasks that were yesterday impossible.  Growing is so full of excitement and rushing it only denies the pleasure and the celebration that accompany inner and outer movement. Today I find that where you are in your journey is a good place to be.”  

“Events will take their course, it is no good our being angry at them; he is happiest who wisely turns them to the best account.” - Euripides

Being Available:

“Today I will not disappear into my feelings and be unavailable to my child.  My parents were often preoccupied with what was going on inside of them and I could not reach them. I find that I do that too and that my children cannot reach me. When I’m afraid or hurt, I get lost in the feelings triggered from my past and find it difficult to make my way back to the present. It is a double pain - one is the pain of being lost to myself and the other is the pain of being lost to my children because I know how it feels to them. Today I have tools that I can use.  When I need help, I can reach out and get it.  I don’t have to stay stuck anymore; I can find my way back.”

“Life consists of what a man is thinking all day.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson.

The decision was made, and the pages of the book were soaked!  Owen and Sophia are going to consume my thoughts instead of homework.  School can wait, they can’t!

Happy New Year from Owen & Sophia's Mom!

New Years is such a heavy time.  I'm always filled to the brim with excitement, love, gratitude, wonder, reflection, and some sadness.  Not to mention the 5 bottles of wine and 10 extra pounds of holiday goodies I'm toting around!

However, the calendar is not the only reason I've been mulling things over lately.  As the holidays approached this fall and winter, our happy little household seemed to change a bit.  Our 8 year old son, began showing signs that life in the crazy Compound was not working for him any longer.  For the first time since going back to school & starting Julie Stephenson Photography, I realized my busyness was really affecting my sensitive little boy, and not in a good way!

I remember when I was, like 10, my mom went to work at nights.  I hated it!  I felt like we never saw her anymore. We were at school all day and when we came home she was already gone.  I remember one night, she came home from work and was filling the wood furnace.  I went to the basement bawling and begged her to quit her job. I told her how much I hated not seeing her.  I told her I wanted her to be back where she was supposed to be, taking care of me and my siblings.  Although, I don't really remember much else about my childhood, I remember that night vividly.

Now I'm in a very similar situation with Owen.  Although, Owen has a much more internal way of dealing with things, and I have many more options than my mother had. Owen desperately wants me to be the mom that I used to be, the one that snuggled every night and read stories until I feel asleep with him and Sophia.  The mom that was better at making sure the laundry was done so he would have long socks clean, instead of just short socks.  The mom that went outside and drove him crazy with my camera stuck in his beautiful little face.

Although 2010 was a banner year for me in terms of getting outside of my comfort zone and proving to myself that I'm a smart, capable person. It also taught me: you really can't do it all!  Sure, I did all the photo shoots, volunteering, studying, veg-acating and yes my kids were fed, clothed and schooled just like always, but underneath things were not going so smoothly. Trevor & I felt it, but we didn't realize just how much Owen felt it.

He wanted me to be Owen & Sophia's mom again, not just their caretaker.   Their mom was the one who read stories until she was sleeping in a twin bed with an 8 and a 5 year old. Their mom put on layers and layers of clothes to be outside with them, and came inside with frost-bitten fingers on her gloveless camera hand.  Their mom made sure Owen's favorite socks were washed and dried even if the rest of the laundry waited...and waited.

I don't regret the craziness of 2010! No harm was done to my great kid and our lives are changed for the better in ways I never even imagined a year ago, but I've decided for 2011... I'm going to be their mom before everything else.

Owen's Mothers Day gift from 4 year old kindergarten.