Our quiet little life.

The Compound was a rainy, cool, and quiet place today.  We napped, played MasterMind, watched a movie, and ate some hail.  It was a calm day with no rushing or running around.  We had a couple of graduation parties to go to, but we decided to just mail cards to the grads instead of attending outdoor parties with lightening flying around.

I love days like this. Days when freedom and family get priority over schedules and strangers.  There are places we could be, but nowhere we have to be. Days like today make it easy to spend unaccounted for time with each other in The Compound.

Although, not seen in the photos, Owen was here too.  He was spending some quality time with Spongebob when I had my camera out.  Enjoy the rest of you holiday weekend!

I declare that tomorrow...

May 27 2011 is officially Yep, I'm A Hottie Day.

Did you know having your own blog gives you unyielding power to declare whatever you want? So along with Yep, I'm A Hottie Day, I am also declaring that doing laundry can give you leprosy and Colin Firth is my husband.  Man this rock! This may become a regular segment on this blog. You know how good I am at regular segments.... remember Saturday Supper?  I can honestly say, I have not eaten on a Saturday since my last Saturday Supper post so I'm not behind.  See you really can declare anything on the internet...

Ok, so back to Yep, I'm A Hottie Day tomorrow May 27 2011.  This afternoon, I spoke to a beautiful and talented young woman who told me when people compliment her, she doesn't know what to say because she, "can't really accept" that she is beautiful. To which I replied...Umm, what the fuck is wrong with you?!  Actually that's what I was shouting in my head.  What came out of my mouth was "Come on dude, that's not healthy!"  I'm not saying she should be like "You're god damn right I'm beautiful!", but not being able to accept her own beauty, is just plain sad. What she needs to do is hold her head high and say, "Thanks!", but more than anything...she needs to BELIEVE she is beautiful!

Body image is a shifty character. It's healthy, strong and realistic one day and it seems like it's gone insano the next! About 8 years ago I went on a diet*, and lost 70 pounds.  I looked great.  I was working out, eating right....ish. (I'd put extra bacon on the salad and pick off the carrots...again I remind you I GET A PAYCHECK TO BE A NUTRITION EDUCATOR!?!)  I needed to lose the weight. I was not healthy, and I knew that my kids were going to be  mimicking me so I needed to get a handle on things. I put my mind to it, and did what I thought was going to change my life. Oh it did, my body looked better, but my mind went CRazY! Seriously, for the next 5 years I hated my body, my lack of will power, my relationship with food, the mirror.  It didn't matter what my body looked like, I hated it. I had more hate for my body at my skinniest than I did at my heaviest! I constantly compared my body to others.  I didn't even see it coming, my self-esteem melted away with the fat. I have many photos of skinny me with my shoulders hunched in shame. I remember beating myself up over and over again because I knew I was going to look fat in the picture.

Don't believe me? Here are some examples...

Today, I look at these pictures and think "Damn! I look fit." My body was fit...yes, but my brain was fried! It went from my healthy, functioning mind, giving me the ability to lose the weight & form a workout routine, to the dysfunctional psycho who damned every bite I put in my mouth and every person with a camera.  Finally, after hating myself for so long, I realized Sophia was getting older and this battle with my body had to stop! I did not want my daughter to turn into ME! A 30 year old who wore a completely average size, who was strong enough to run a half-marathon, who had amazing relationships, who's life was really great, but who hated herself because her self esteem was totally out of wack.  It took therapy, personal reflection, and pulling away from the other women in my life who had (and still have) distorted body images, to finally come out of the fog.

It makes me sad to think of all these beautiful women and the years, literally years, they've spent murdering themselves from the inside out. That's not living! I think living is enjoying every second, accepting that even if I never lose another pound, I am beautiful because I love others, because I contribute to the world, because I'm alive!  Will I complain once in awhile that I'm out of shape...yes! Because I am.  I sit at my computer on Facebook rather than working out...that's a fact. Will I talk about balancing my diet** more strictly from time to time...yes! Because we all over do it sometimes, and I feel better physically and mentally when I'm balanced...that's a fact too!  I use these facts to live my life fully.  I'm no longer dictated by the CraZy ideas my former dysfunctional psyche made up.  Working to be healthy and strong does not mean hating yourself!  Part of living is loving yourself, letting go and doing your best! My best may never be less than a size 14, and I'm cool with that.

I am happy, I am able, and I am beautiful.

Now, I know that making May 27, 2011 Yep, I'm A Hottie Day isn't going to solve the crisis women face regarding self-esteem and confidence, but it can't hurt!   To celebrate Yep, I'm A Hottie Day we must not only tell ourselves that we are beautiful, but we have to let others know we actually believe it!  Tell the world what you love most about yourself.  Is it a part of your body? Is it part of your soul? Whatever it is, shout it from the rooftops...or from your computer chair...whatever.

I will start: I love my eyelashes and my ability to make people laugh.  Your turn...

*diet  |ˈdī-it|

a special course of food to which one restricts oneself, either to lose weight or for medical reasons

**diet |ˈdī-it|

noun

the kinds of food that a person, animal, or community habitually eat

Up Close Color in The Compound...

I had my first wedding shoot a couple of weeks ago, and I rented a Macro lens for the occasion.   If I could spend my entire life savings on really sweet lenses I would, but I have no life savings so I have to start saving.  This is what I'm thinking....  

Anyway, before I shipped it back I took a million photos with it.  Here are some of my favorites.

  I started a gallery on my website for those of you who would like to buy a print.  Click here to find it. 

I promise all proceeds will go directly in my kids' college fund.

Seriously, help these poor kids get new lenses go to Harvard!

{I ♥ this photo}

Thank God for all I missed...

'cause it led me here to this!  I love the song This by Darius Rucker; if you are reading this directly from the blog you should be hearing to it now.  Every time I hear the lyrics I get tears in my eyes, because it is a perfect reminder of gratitude.  I instantly check myself and am reminded of the amazing life I am so lucky to be living everyday.  

Have things been perfect?  No!  Have I always gotten exactly what I wanted? No!  Have things been easy?  No! 

These are the parts (the crap) of life that are so easy to fixate on, but songs like these put my head in the right place...

Have I always gotten what I needed? Yes!  If I never get exactly what I want, will I be OK?  Yes!  Will the next place I go be exactly where I am supposed to be?  Yes!  Do I wake up every morning in a place better than I ever dreamed of being?  Yes! 

Your life is as amazing as you believe it to be, and if you dwell on the crap that didn't go just how you thought it should then you're missing it.  When you start to accept and embrace all of it, then you start to see that you are EXACTLY where you are supposed to be.  Maybe it's a sad, hard place to be right now, but I wholeheartedly believe that our peaks are far higher and longer than our valleys....from rock bottom you can go no where but up! Take a deep breath and remember - this too will be a memory soon.  

Darius Rucker's lyrics are so true... 

"I didn't understand it way back when

But sitting here right now it all makes perfect sense" 

This is so true for my relationship with my mother. We haven't always seen eye to eye.  As a teenager you know everything and your mom is the last person on earth who's opinion matters...that was definitely true for me.  As a young adult you blame all your problems on your parents...that was definitely true for me.  As a woman you vow to never become your mother....that was definitely true for me too.

I was right.  I don't constantly need her opinion, I won't make the same mistakes she made, and I won't become her! I thought I'd become my own person in spite of my mother's influence, but sitting here now it all makes perfect sense...my mother's influence is what made me who I am. 

She taught me how to think for myself, how to solve my own problems and how to become my own person. 

Today, on my mother's birthday, I have gratitude for my life, I have faith this is exactly where I'm supposed to be, and I have understanding of who helped me get here.  So again...

"Thank God for all I missed

cause it led me here to

This"

Happy Birthday to a wonderful mother and grandmother...and aunt!  

Thanks for leading me to this perfectly, imperfect life.

The fox provides for himself, but Panera provides for the me....I think that's the old saying

It looks like I'm not the only one in The Compound that is extra possessive of my food. Fortunately for me, it's far less work to smear a bagel with cream cheese than to chase down a rabbit. Which probably explains why I do not see the fox's ass jiggle as it runs away.   I would not be so lucky.  Well done Fox!

My sister wears too much...people think she's a whore.

I love spring and summer so much.  The pond swimming, meat grilling, and fresh fruits & vegetables along with a million other things make this the best time of year.  That said, I have to confess one small part I hate...how smart-ass sassy my daughter gets in the evening.  She is so dog tired from a full day of school, and non-stop playing outside that her attitude is out of control.  Nothing but back-talking, and fun comments like “No!” and “I don’t want to!”  I look into her adorable blue eyes, as she stares me down with that “Screw you, I am not picking up my dirty socks” glare, and I catch a glimpse of the teenager she will become….

Tonight, after about an hour of constant sassiness, I told her that if she talks back one more time I was going to...(pausing a moment as I struggled to come up with a good threat)...make her eat some of the peel off the orange they had just eaten. Without missing a beat Sophia’s reply was, “I don’t care!”

Umm...now what?!  Do I let her call my bluff or do I make her eat orange peel.  Oh yeah, that’s right, I make her eat orange peel! And a decent size chunk too!  Does, she protest or apologize?  Nope, without hesitation this girl grabs the peel and pops it in her mouth, like Jimi Hendrix dropping acid. She started chewing it up, all the while staring at me and occasionally saying “What, I like it!”  Finally after about 5 minutes of chewing on it like a cow chews cud, I say “Are you going to swallow that or do you want to spit it out?” She said she wanted to spit it out.  I told her I would let her this time, but the next time she talks back to me after I warn her to stop she will “chew up and swallow an entire orange peel!” She seemed convinced, but I’m not buying it.

Looks like I better stock up on citrus.  

A graphic tale...Muppet style.

For the last 6 years I've been pretty sure I only wanted to be a mother to the two adorable kids I already had, but we weren't in any real hurry to make it official. That was before the threat of losing our health insurance came crashing down on us. So we decided to finally take the bull by the horns, so to speak, and Trevor took one for the team, right in the nads.

He has never batted an eye about the talk of a vasectomy.  He's always been more than willing to do his part to provide permanent birth control.  When your husband is more than willing to be neutered for you, you know it's LOVE...I think Plato said that once.  I'll be honest, I wasn't sure he was going to go through with it after the initial consult a few weeks ago. When our great doctor, Dr G, described the CRUSHING, BURNING, & CUTTING that takes place to ensure it works the first time, Trevor got a little green.  Actually, he got this green...

...but he recovered quickly and we scheduled the appointment. So with the ice packs & athletic supporter purchased to keep "The Boys" cool and compressed, the DVR full of Ax Men & Ultimate Fighter (in case there was any question of his manliness), and the blood thinning beer put away we head off to the doctor's office.

Sidebar: Going to the doctor in a small town can be a very bizarre experience. More often than not you know the doctor and nurses on more than just professional level. Which is probably reassuring when hard diagnoses are given or helpful if they know your family's health history because they've been treating relatives for years. However, it can also be just a bit too close for comfort.  In the last year or so, our doctor got a new nurse. This new nurse happens to be an old neighbor from my childhood days, and she is my brother's ex-girlfriend's mother as well. Luckily, she is super professional and seems not at all bothered by chaperoning the PAP Smears of all the girls from the block in Calamine and assisting in neutering their husbands. She's a class act or she gets electro-shock therapy to erase the visions of "junk" that haunt her dreams!

The procedure took about an hour.  The nurse came to the waiting room and escorted me back to get directions on recovery because it's likely Trevor won't remember because of the good pain meds he was on.  I assumed he'd be dressed, sitting up, and ready to go...yeah that wasn't the case!  I walk in and the poor guy is laying there looking stoned out of his mind and completely wide open down under.  Which normally wouldn't be a problem because I've seen his penis like at least 3 times before, I mean come on, we've been married 11years.  What I didn't expect to see was a bloody penis bib (I'm pretty sure that is the official name for that thing) surrounding the area.  Not cool! So I immediately looked away and stayed right up by his head...the one not surrounded in blood...that is.

As the doctor is cleaning up the area and giving me instructions on how to help Trevor have a speedy recovery, I start to get a little dizzy and really hot.  I let them know that I need to sit down. Dr. G grabs a chair and tells me to put my head down, and then because Trevor's wife is a total wuss, he bends over to help Trevor get dressed.  Once he has Trevor fully clothed he looks at me and says "you look really pale", and gives me a cool rag for my neck, but I still feel light-headed and like I could throw-up if I lift my head.  That's when Dr. G says "you need to be fanned", and proceeds to open the door and swing it, violently, back and forth.  This not only give me some much needed air, but it exposes me (and my wienieness) to everyone in the hallway.  AWESOME!  After about 10 seconds of that humiliation I stand up on wobbly legs and assist Trevor out the car, where he finally laughs, shakes his head, and reminds me of the boatload of shit I gave him for turning green at the consult.  He then mentions all of the people I told and said he may have to return the favor...

So this is me, outing myself to the whole wide world: I turned into Kermit the Frog when I saw blood on a penis bib!  I made another grown man help my husband put on his underwear!  I SUCK!

Hopefully we'll be past all of this queasiness when I decide he needs to have the vasectomy reversed...

Who lives in palace under the sea...Colin Firth! British and Gorgeous and Royal is he...Colin Firth!

On Easter I watched The King's Speech.  I have been raving about it ever since, not only because I lust for Colin Firth, but because it's a lovely movie.  It's such a great story of just how crippling insecurities can be when not dealt with. No matter who you are, you can keep from reaching your highest potential, if you don't believe in yourself. The story proves that dysfunctional family situations linger long past childhood, but it is never too late to face your past, deal with it and move on.  

  If you've not seen The King's Speech, watch it and you will understand what I'm talking about. 

So yesterday, after a long day of working outdoors we came inside to chill out.  It had been a long week. We've been dealing with some kind of virus, bi-weekly baseball practices are in full swing and we all stayed up late Saturday night so rest was needed.  Resting for Me, Trevor and Sophia is napping, which we can do about anytime, anywhere. Owen, on the other hand, cannot nap.  He can rest by reading or watching a movie, but the boy only sleeps at night. Seriously, it's crazy! 

When Owen saw The King's Speech was OnDemand, he wanted to rent it.  I think, mainly because I mentioned the movie's funny swearing rant, but he insisted he really wanted to see it.   Knowing Owen has heard (a couple) swear words before, and since he seems to understand their inappropriateness, I decided to give it a go. The rest of the movie has such a great message, I thought for sure he would come away with more than just some new British vulgarities.

Cut to 3 minutes after the swearing scene...

Yep, this kid was able to stay awake long enough to hear Bertie's "Fuck, Bugger, Ass, Shit, Bugger, Tits, Bugger, Bugger, Fuck!" monologue, but not entertained or moved enough to bother staying awake for King George VI's moving wartime speech.  Had I not rented the movie he'd be laying there, watching the same SpongeBob Squarepants re-run for 546th time, wide-ass awake! Seriously, what a little Shit Bugger. 

The point is-if you're an adult and haven't seen The King's Speech - watch it. If you just want your 9 year old to get the gist of the great story without letting them hear the 30 second cursing rant, I've included the SpongeBob CliffsNotes version below...

Colin Firth guest stars as a stammering SpongeBob Squarepants who is receiving speech therapy from Patrick Star, an unorthodox stutter whisperer.  SpongeBob must be able to speak in public because he is next in line to take over the Krusty Krab after his boss Eugene H. Krabs V dies, and his horny superior, Squidward, decides he's rather nail Sandy-the slutty American squirrel, than govern the empire.  The dramatic ending will show SpongeBob uniting the citizens of Bikini Bottom, with a moving stammer-free statement, just as the evil Sheldon J. Plankton declares the Chum Bucket the master restaurant and vows to have total world domination.