The Thing About Honesty.

Being brutally honest about your personal struggles on a blog that people read is a double edge sword. On one hand, it's cathartic. I felt a huge release. For so long, it's been like trying to lift a heavy anchor from the bottom of the sea, but finally I was able to leave it and come up for air. Torpedoing through the surface of the water, I was able to breathe deeply again. I felt more alive mere moments after putting it all out there. At dinner the evening I wrote the post, I remember really laughing with the kids and Trevor. Internally my reaction was noticeably different - it was like I actually felt the joy that went with the laughter. It was real! I hadn't felt that in years...seriously YEARS! An almost immediate positive reaction just by saying the words out loud...on the blog.

On the other hand, it's unnerving to have some of my friends and neighbors act differently around me. Most people are super supportive, but I wasn't quite prepared for unexpected hugs at funerals, baseball games & meetings or the repeated "No, how are you?!" when my first response to the same question is "Good!"

There are a few people who've been literally startled when they see me. Their facial expressions scream, "Oh shit, it's Julie! WTF am I supposed to say to her now?" My post has ruined small talk for these people. I feel bad too because I hate when I run into a crazy person and have no idea what to say to them. That's the worst!

Then I wonder about the conversation going on in their heads when they see me: "I wonder if I annoy her?...."I'm not going say anything to her then I won't be annoying."...."She's right - those pants don't fit!"

Then I love to hypothetically reply with shit like: "Yes-you annoy me!"....."Nope- even in awkward silence you're still annoying."......."Watch it bitch or I will stress eat your child!"

Making up conversations and replying to them - that doesn't sound crazy at all!