How big is your brave? Daring Greatly on steroids.

Shit just got real up in here. Like really REAL. Real as in - texting your husband home to lunch to drop the ultimate bomb on him. And no that's not some kind of weird nooner. 

The bomb = We are struggling financially. Our bills are getting paid(ish). Ish meaning we use our credit card when we need to pay for things like dental work, gas, the portion of our taxes that we don't have in savings anymore, you know the extras...oh and groceries. We are able to pay our credit cards, but damn, not much more than the monthly minimum. Struggling.

This is a bomb I'm dropping because for the last 14 years of marriage and even a few years before, I've taken care of this kind of stuff, and I was pretty good at it so Trevor just left it to me. But I'm also really good at harboring massive amounts of shame, and when the pressure (working for peanuts, donating time, energy, and resources to others, increasing demands) is on I tend to retreat into the dark place where shame flourishes.

I just put on a smile, eat elephant size portions of sugar or carbs, and sit through another meeting wishing I was brave enough to just leave and face my own truth. I believed I couldn't tell Trevor because that would give him the reason he needed to leave me and I'd be alone...with nothing...and it would be all my fault. That's the shame record that played over and over again in my head. It was paralyzing.

Until today. Today I called on my courage, and stepped into the light that comes with truth and vulnerability, and blind-sided shame. It was awful, not because my fears were real, but because I am being real - like standing in public naked REAL! I'm totally exhausted. Worn out. I have what Brene Brown calls a Vulnerability Hangover - complete with a monster headache.  I keep listening to Sara Bareilles sing Brave and can't stop crying like a baby. Today I dared greatly. The credit card debt is the same, but my brave balance is at an all time high, and if you are reading this I showed just how big my brave is by actually publishing this.

"Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy-the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light." -Brene Brown 

June Photo A Day: Morning

Daddy left us this morning!

 He is...

Going on a bear hunt.

Gonna shoot a big one.

What a beautiful day.

We're not scared!

N for Night Photography by Sophia

...and one silly faced photo of photographer Sophie.

I for Ice Cream Truck

I'll be honest, I didn't chase the van, but I did sing and dance in front of the neighbors without any ice cream. Man, I LOVE this very inappropriate video!

Freckle Friday | Deer, you know the score.

Last Sunday, Trevor, the kids and I along with Trevor’s dad, went to Cabela’s. Going to Cabela’s is like church for Dan, Trevor & Owen. Honestly, it’s a lot like going to church for me as well…‘cause I HATE it!  It’s also similar because it’s usually crowded, it always ends with “tithing” 10% of our income & the prayer I repeat over and over in my head is the same “Oh Lord Jesus Christ, please get me the hell out of here!”

I never get much out of our Cabela's runs, but this Sunday it was different. Not only did I have a little ah-ha moment, but I think my family, my father-in-law included, all had a moment of enlightenment. It was great!  Trevor and I have even talked about it a couple of times since, and when I mentioned blogging about it, he said, “Yes! You totally should!”  

Did you hear what I just said? Trevor recommended I sit down at my computer to do something. Unheard of!

It’s hunting season around The Compound which means there are hunters all over the place on certain weekends. Last weekend, Steve, their hunting buddy from Green Bay, was visiting in hopes of shooting the big one.  Right away on Saturday morning-he did just that. He shot a 10 point buck. 

This is my husband’s photo of the deer...using my camera.

Note to self: explain to Trevor how to switch my camera from Manual to Auto & then tell him to keep his paws off my camera! I told him I’d fix it in PhotoShop...you’re welcome!

Anyway, everyone was pretty excited for Steve. The kids were chattering about it, the adults were chattering like kids about it and other hunting friends in the area were stopping over to take a look. Again, let me be honest, this will be the only contact I have with the deer…

Steve’s buck and the weekend hunt was the topic of most of the ride on Sunday. Then Trevor and Dan mentioned Steve’s disappointment in how the deer scored. They mentioned once he found out the score was below 140, he was almost wishing he hadn’t shot it. “What?” I asked. Trevor explained, Steve thought it was going to score right around 140, but when it only scored 135.something, he was kind of disappointed.

I laughed and said out loud, “This is a perfect example of why rank, class, score, labeling...whatever you call it - messes with people’s heads.” One day ago a grown man shoots a nice buck. He’s excited about it. He’s proud of his hunt and his friends are happy for him. Now one day later, after a tape measure is held to the tines of the antlers, the deer is just OK...kind of disappointing, in fact?! That is ridiculous!”  Everyone in the truck was kind of quiet for a second. 

Probably waiting for Miss Social Justice to start ranting. 

Then Trevor’s dad, said “Yeah, you know what? You’re right!” Trevor turned his head from the front seat and looked at me with a little grin. 

He knows I love it when Republicans see it my way.

How sad for Steve, to let Boone & Crocket, and it’s BS scoring system, take the pleasure out of hunting for him. Since then Trevor told me he is never going to score a deer again, he mention why he started hunting over 20 years ago “because he loved it, not because he wanted to only shoot bucks that score a certain number.”  

I hope that this soon-to-be hunter remembers our little discussion when he legally sits in his tree stand in just a few months or as he lives his life without a need to label.

Do what makes you happy, and live without regrets.  

Kind of like the deer are trying to do.

I ♥ New York...and the other smart states!

Trevor & I were married in May of 2000, after an engagement of almost 2 years. Like most big events, the months of preparation before the big day are super stressful. The time before my wedding was no exception. Not only did I have my own planning to do, but one of my BFF's also asked me to be in her wedding, which she scheduled just one month before mine. Although crazy, it was a fun and exciting time filled with fancy showers, drunken bachelorette parties and wedding favor assembly until my fingers were bloody.  There was little time to actually think about the institution of marriage, I was about to enter into, because well...the parties needed to be planned.  

I had a guy, a diamond, and the latest issue of Modern Bride so I was completely qualified to be married. I was a 22 year old woman about to marry a 21 year old man. There was no waiting period, no classes to take, no work to do. As long as we had enough brains to fill out the license at the courthouse, and the means to pay for all the important stuff (like booze for our guests) we were not only able to enter into the institution of marriage, but we were welcome to do so.  Looking back on it now, I realize we entered the grown up stage in our lives during our marriage, rather than being two grown ups who decide to enter into the married stage of their lives. 

Thanks to fate, destiny, GOD...whatever you call it, for the past 11 years, Trevor and I have managed to develop and maintain our marriage. I know I understand the institution of marriage far more now than I did back in 1998 when I decided I was ready for it. 

Last week when I opened this beautiful wedding invitation...

I literally got choked up as I read the words printed over the photo of the couple.   

"Marriage is a fundamental human right."  

I was saddened as I thought of the people who have been living in loving relationships with their partner, longer than I've been alive, and are still not afforded the right to marry in their home state.  

I'm almost embarrassed to admit our great state of Wisconsin, is one of the 44 states where a-holes like me & my high school sweetheart can get married before we can even buy beer, but the two middle-age gay professionals have to stay unwed! 

Individuals & groups who are trying to keep couples, like Kris & Lara, from being married say things like: "same-sex marriages are likely to undermine the institution of marriage."

To which I have to respond, "Umm...what the hell is wrong with you?! Might I suggest the 2 kids with no real life experience, a line of credit at Jared The Galleria of Jewelry and a hankering for a huge beer party might undermine your "institution" more than the lovely lesbian couple who've been together for years, raising children, and paying taxes!"

Thank you Connecticut, Iowa, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, New York, Vermont and Washington D.C. for realizing marriage is a basic human right!

 Shame on you Wisconsin (and the 44 other states) for allowing ME, and millions like me, to undermine the "institution" you claim to be so worried about protecting.

Daddy & Daughter...

dreaming.

Do you think this is what Friday nights will look like in about 10 years? Let's hope!