The bomb = We are struggling financially. Our bills are getting paid(ish). Ish meaning we use our credit card when we need to pay for things like dental work, gas, the portion of our taxes that we don't have in savings anymore, you know the extras...oh and groceries. We are able to pay our credit cards, but damn, not much more than the monthly minimum. Struggling.
This is a bomb I'm dropping because for the last 14 years of marriage and even a few years before, I've taken care of this kind of stuff, and I was pretty good at it so Trevor just left it to me. But I'm also really good at harboring massive amounts of shame, and when the pressure (working for peanuts, donating time, energy, and resources to others, increasing demands) is on I tend to retreat into the dark place where shame flourishes.
I just put on a smile, eat elephant size portions of sugar or carbs, and sit through another meeting wishing I was brave enough to just leave and face my own truth. I believed I couldn't tell Trevor because that would give him the reason he needed to leave me and I'd be alone...with nothing...and it would be all my fault. That's the shame record that played over and over again in my head. It was paralyzing.
Until today. Today I called on my courage, and stepped into the light that comes with truth and vulnerability, and blind-sided shame. It was awful, not because my fears were real, but because I am being real - like standing in public naked REAL! I'm totally exhausted. Worn out. I have what Brene Brown calls a Vulnerability Hangover - complete with a monster headache. I keep listening to Sara Bareilles sing Brave and can't stop crying like a baby. Today I dared greatly. The credit card debt is the same, but my brave balance is at an all time high, and if you are reading this I showed just how big my brave is by actually publishing this.
"Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy-the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light." -Brene Brown