How big is your brave? Daring Greatly on steroids.

Shit just got real up in here. Like really REAL. Real as in - texting your husband home to lunch to drop the ultimate bomb on him. And no that's not some kind of weird nooner. 

The bomb = We are struggling financially. Our bills are getting paid(ish). Ish meaning we use our credit card when we need to pay for things like dental work, gas, the portion of our taxes that we don't have in savings anymore, you know the extras...oh and groceries. We are able to pay our credit cards, but damn, not much more than the monthly minimum. Struggling.

This is a bomb I'm dropping because for the last 14 years of marriage and even a few years before, I've taken care of this kind of stuff, and I was pretty good at it so Trevor just left it to me. But I'm also really good at harboring massive amounts of shame, and when the pressure (working for peanuts, donating time, energy, and resources to others, increasing demands) is on I tend to retreat into the dark place where shame flourishes.

I just put on a smile, eat elephant size portions of sugar or carbs, and sit through another meeting wishing I was brave enough to just leave and face my own truth. I believed I couldn't tell Trevor because that would give him the reason he needed to leave me and I'd be alone...with nothing...and it would be all my fault. That's the shame record that played over and over again in my head. It was paralyzing.

Until today. Today I called on my courage, and stepped into the light that comes with truth and vulnerability, and blind-sided shame. It was awful, not because my fears were real, but because I am being real - like standing in public naked REAL! I'm totally exhausted. Worn out. I have what Brene Brown calls a Vulnerability Hangover - complete with a monster headache.  I keep listening to Sara Bareilles sing Brave and can't stop crying like a baby. Today I dared greatly. The credit card debt is the same, but my brave balance is at an all time high, and if you are reading this I showed just how big my brave is by actually publishing this.

"Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy-the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light." -Brene Brown 

The Thing About Honesty.

Being brutally honest about your personal struggles on a blog that people read is a double edge sword. On one hand, it's cathartic. I felt a huge release. For so long, it's been like trying to lift a heavy anchor from the bottom of the sea, but finally I was able to leave it and come up for air. Torpedoing through the surface of the water, I was able to breathe deeply again. I felt more alive mere moments after putting it all out there. At dinner the evening I wrote the post, I remember really laughing with the kids and Trevor. Internally my reaction was noticeably different - it was like I actually felt the joy that went with the laughter. It was real! I hadn't felt that in years...seriously YEARS! An almost immediate positive reaction just by saying the words out loud...on the blog.

On the other hand, it's unnerving to have some of my friends and neighbors act differently around me. Most people are super supportive, but I wasn't quite prepared for unexpected hugs at funerals, baseball games & meetings or the repeated "No, how are you?!" when my first response to the same question is "Good!"

There are a few people who've been literally startled when they see me. Their facial expressions scream, "Oh shit, it's Julie! WTF am I supposed to say to her now?" My post has ruined small talk for these people. I feel bad too because I hate when I run into a crazy person and have no idea what to say to them. That's the worst!

Then I wonder about the conversation going on in their heads when they see me: "I wonder if I annoy her?...."I'm not going say anything to her then I won't be annoying."...."She's right - those pants don't fit!"

Then I love to hypothetically reply with shit like: "Yes-you annoy me!"....."Nope- even in awkward silence you're still annoying."......."Watch it bitch or I will stress eat your child!"

Making up conversations and replying to them - that doesn't sound crazy at all!

Today's Free Advice...

DO NOT drink a ginormous iced coffee at 5:45pm to prepare yourself for a 5 hour school board meeting unless you know for sure the aforementioned school board meeting will actually be 5 hours long.   

Actually, it was a room temperature coffee because the ice maker on the ol' SubZero has decided to stop producing ice....like a bitch.  Also this advice seems to apply only to school board members, but the lesson is really universal so if you're not a school board member because you're smart replace the words 'school board' with whatever meetings you go to. 

This is a good lesson because sometimes meetings only go 2.5 hours and you come home wide awake. Which would have worked out well because when you left the house it looked like this...

But because your husband is AWESOME (and he's the guy who dumped all they camping stuff in the kitchen) he cleaned up the mess so you had a little free time after the meeting. Doesn't seem like such a big deal, right? Well, this is where too much caffeine ruins your life. 

Trevor and I decided to watch a movie on Netflix. Usually if we start a movie at 8:45 p.m. one of us is fast asleep by 8:52. We assumed Trevor would be the first to fall asleep, since I was amped up, so I picked the movie. 

A little background on how I typically pick movies using Netflix. 

After a title pops up, I look at: 

1. The cast - if I like the actors, I usually like the movie.

2. The synopsis - If the summary seems to mesh with who's in the cast, I will continue to consider it.

3. The genre - I like a little of everything - except creepy thrillers. I hate Silence of the Lambs type shit. 

4. The ratings - some of my favorite movies got terrible ratings so I give that little consideration.

And really that's all I have to go on because we see no movie trailers or ads because we do not have live T.V.

Here was a bit of my thought process last night.

hhmm..the Paperboy...maybe Drew Sonsalla is in this...

wait a minute...Zac Efron=HOT, Matthew McConaughey=HOT, John Cusack=LOVE HIM, and Macy Gray=TOTALLY DIG HER MUSIC.  

...that sounds interesting...Matt McConaughey always searching for social justice - love that about him...Cusack is probably the awkward brother who falls for the mysterious girl, again...

...okay no thriller mention so it shouldn't scare the complete shit out of me...or make me grossed out by any of these actors in the future after someone eats another human...or throws j¡z in their face...

...what the hell 2.75 stars...really?...I'd give Zac Efron 3 stars for just watching this movie...critics are such tools...screw it...I bet it's fine. 

At this point Trevor says, "It doesn't even have 3 stars!" I ignored him and pressed play. 

107 minutes later...

Let's start with the good news - I stayed awake for the whole movie!

Now the bad news - I stayed awake for the whole movie!

I stayed awake from the interesting beginning until the awful end.  

I stayed awake long enough to see Nicole Kidman give a disturbing b.j. in a prison scene - no j¡z in her face....but it was there.

I stayed awake long enough to see Matt McConaughey get beaten to a bloody pulp and later murdered.

I stayed awake long enough to see John Cusack look like this....

 and this...

I even stayed awake 2 hours after it was all over too! I laid in bed freaking out that some swamp-living hillbilly was coming to murder me and take my kids back to the bayou with him. 

So I repeat:

DO NOT drink a ginormous iced coffee at 5:45pm to prepare yourself for a 5 hour school board meeting unless you know for sure the aforementioned school board meeting will actually be 5 hours long.   

Standing Tall Together

My last post made quite an impression...on me. I have been completely overwhelmed by the influx of messages via email, text and Facebook. So many people privately reaching out to support me - I appreciate each and every one of your kind words.

Although, I expected some feedback, the sheer quantity of responses was unbelievably moving. Even more unexpected was the sentiment that many (and I mean MANY) other women have had or are having very similar experiences. The messages I received validated for me that I am not alone. Just like my post did for so many of you. I'm forever touched that my need to just get something off my chest resonated with those of you struggling to do the very same thing.  Thank you!

"The two most powerful words when we're in struggle - me too." -Brené Brown

Living in the Limestone

I've struggled with depression for a long time. When I had "good" insurance, I took crazy meds and went to therapy to help me stay focused and calm. I've never been suicidal or unable to get out of bed for weeks at a time. My crazy looks different and far less...well crazy. I get pissed very easily, I scream cuss words, I shower less than normal. It's official, my depressive episodes turn me into a pirate. Without all the rum drinking scallywags because when I get this way I don't have real fun with my friends - their quirky personalities, that I usually find endearing, just annoy the hell out of me. I get the mad kind of crazy, not the crazy kind of crazy.

Annoyed seems like a more accurate description than depressed. My kids annoy me...literally the sound of their fun-loving screamy, laughs makes my head spin around. My husband's innocent questions or playful jokes drive me batshit. At times, my neighbors lack of boundaries make me so mad I have a hard time being rational. Even my siblings, who I normally tolerate more than just about anyone in the world, seem flakier than ever. Don't even get me started on people like...my parents, pretty much anyone who has anything to do with the school or school board, irritating coaches, incompetent HR personnel, and creatives who are not creative! Not to mention people who are needy, pushy, loud, quiet, narcissist, sensitive, old, young, conservatives, liberals - I think you get the picture, right? Everyone annoys me. Including and probably worse than anyone else - I annoy myself. All day and all night I beat the crap out of myself for all the annoying things I do or have done or will probably do or will never in a million years do. I think I could forgive anybody for just about anything...as long as it's not me.

About 4 weeks ago I hit rock bottom. The writing was on the wall for the last few years so I wasn't surprised when it finally happened. My tolerance of people and situations had gotten consistently less functional. I haven't taken crazy meds for a long time, seen my therapist in a long time, or contributed financially to my household in a long time. I had little or no motivation to do much of anything productive. I was not taking care of myself, and I wasn't really talking about it either. I was unconsciously hoping that some tectonic plates somewhere would shift and the bottom would drop out. I wouldn't be better, but I wouldn't have to face the madness yet either. No such luck. People die, teeth need braces, pants don't fit, taxes are due, positions get filled, people disappoint, puppies chew, kids scream, husbands joke....and then there it is...life in the limestone.

So I've been doing some rock climbing. Some days are good and some days suck. I'm still not taking crazy meds, seeing my therapist, or chucking money into an IRA, but I'm saying out loud that I struggle with madness. I'm being open with my kids, husband and friends. I am purging. I am writing. I am living in the limestone trying to find my way to higher ground.

Perfection - UNCUT

Hello............Hello.................hello..................lo

I have been blogless for far, far too long. I want to write each and everyday, but I have a block. Not the typical writer's block from the movies where the author stares for hours at the typewriter all set to go holding a sheet of typing paper with the lonely words CHAPTER ONE at the top, and finally out of frustration the writer flings his heavy, old typewriter out the window into the front yard.

I can write. I vandalize the hell out of my journals. I mull over in my head clever posts about stupid shit I do or the stupid shit others say or do. I even sit and type them up once in a while...and then I delete it. My writer's block is best described as writer's delete to avoid writer's remorse. It sucks because I like writing and I know that people like reading my posts. I'm not sure what changed or why I'm afraid to publish what I'm thinking but it's become sort of a problem.

It's been manageable because I've really mastered micro-blogging using Instagram. Quickly share a photo and a thought. But recently I discovered (was told) what I'm missing - the realness. My Instagram posts seem very Kelle Hampton perfect. Although there are many parts of my life here at The Compound that are absolutely ideal; there is a whole unseen dysfunction that pretty much dominates my existence. Last night I took a look at my Instagram feed and decided to give you a deeper look at the perfection I portray:

Beer at the Lake House. 

I enjoyed this beer at my friend Sarah's house one night because I had to get away from my husband's asinine questions about anything and everything. Trevor is a great provider and I love him with all my heart, but he's a 35 year old man child. Should I start the grill now? Do we have any band-aids? How do I restart the modem? Jesus Christ, man - figure it out!!! 

Lafayette County Relay for Life. 

This year my friend lost her 58 year old dad from cancer 2 days before this great event. The same event that for the last few years I've been blowing off for baseball games or weddings but mainly just because it was a pain in my ass. I'm an asshole!

Dog Hair and White Trim

This was the first time I scrubbed my master bath's floor in longer than I can remember. It was disgusting and gross and I should be ashamed. 

A Beautiful Morning

This lovely view is a wide angle view of life here at The Compound. What you cannot see are the giant weeds growing in the bark that I don't have time to pull because I am sitting on my patio checking out social media from my phone. Which by the way is a permanent fixture in my hand. I hold my iPhone more than I hold my kids or husband's hands. To be completely real, there are days that I look more lovingly at my phone than my family. How's that for real?

Cracker Stackers

I interviewed for job a couple of weeks ago. From the second I got home from the interview until last Wednesday I was totally consumed by whether or not I got the job. For days I obsessed by either double checking my phone or playing the interview over and over and over in my head. When I am stressed like that I eat. I wish I only ate beautiful things like Cracker Stackers, but I don't. I eat whatever I can get my hands on. Some people drink, some people cheat, some people gamble, I eat! The stress and emotional eating then leads to serious self-loathing which leads to even more stress and crazy, and more eating. Fun times huh?  

(By the way, It's been 16 days and I've heard nothing about the job. I stopped stress eating about it when I started thinking about the possibility of working for a another company that doesn't follow through on what they tell people.) 

Maxipad Pedicure

For the person who wondered if my life is really as ideal as my Instagram feed lets on...you must have missed this one. 

The Best Gifts

I think I've put my finger on what I consider to be the best birthday gifts to receive. The best gifts have 2 key components. They are functional & thoughtful. They are not just taking up space or collecting dust, and the gift-giver put some thought and/or elbow grease into the gift. 

These towels from Trevor's grandma are a perfect example. They are useful (although I plan to frame them) and handmade with such adorable pictures and sayings. I adore the sweet simplicity of them.

Why I Love It Here.

I love Mineral Point. Just outside of The Compound is the lovely little city that I adore. I sometimes wonder if it's even natural be this fond of a city - especially one in rural Wisconsin. I mean it makes sense to rant and rave about beautiful places like Paris or Rome, but Mineral Point? Come on, Julie - get over it.

No. I won't. I absolutely love it. Not because it's completely prefect. It has it's run down buildings and tacky houses. There is dog poop in the park and gossip in the shops. There are names that seem to hold more weight than others, and off-base opinions that are shared as truths. 

Yes, these unflattering attributes make Mineral Point seem like every other small city in America. But when you push all that aside you start to see the faces. The most interesting people with the interesting stories. That's right, it's actually the people in Mineral Point, not the city itself, that make me all aflutter. Especially the people who are willing to put themselves out there. People who run for offices, open businesses, volunteer for committees, believe in compassion vs. competition, contribute to something they don't directly benefit from, and listen for the sole purpose of learning. 

These people are the reason I love Mineral Point. The relationships I've built in Mineral Point make it easy to overlook the poop on my shoe or the insulting email directed at certain member of the school board. These minor withdrawals are quickly made whole again when I contribute photos to High Street Beat, participate in events like the Brain Games, or work with the staff & customers at Mitchell's. Interacting with unique citizens allows me to bank major LOVE deposits. Love deposits? Sound like it could be some kind of code for you know what.

So look, Mineral Point, you're great, but my heart goes pitter-patter for the people who live in the city just outside of The Compound. It's not You...it's THEM. 

Freckle Friday:: Family Photos

I don't think it's a secret that I love taking photos of my kids. I'm constantly snap, snap, snapping pics of them. I have thousands of photos of these guys. But like most momtographers, I only have a handful of great photos documenting that I am, in fact, the person who brought these two humans into the world. As I look back at photos I sometimes get the feeling that I'm their hired in-house photographer rather than their mom. There's not much photographic evidence that I even exist. 

I'm sure they'll remember me by the ass indent on the couch cushion. 

This fall I decided to practice what I've been preaching on my photography website for years-

Schedule a professional family photo shoot. You will never regret having great family photos! 

Almost immediately after scheduling with Dani Stephenson Photography I wanted to cancelled the shoot because the fool-proof 5 step plan I concocted for looking great in the photos failed. Literally about 37 minutes after the plan was hatched I ate dinner and screwed the pooch. 

5 Step Plan for Looking Great In Family Photos

1. Schedule a photo shoot 

2. Don't eat for 60 days

3. Look crazy hot for the photo shoot

4. Pass out due to malnutrition & exhaustion 2 seconds after the shutter closes for the last time

5. Scar my kids for life (because the EMTs have to revive me in front of them all because I wanted to look hot instead of looking like their mom) but hey the photos look amazing

Because my brain likes to torture me in ways I have trouble even explaining - here's how the 2 months between scheduling and shooting went in my head:

 The shame of failing at such a rock solid plan kept me eating constantly. I was also too ashamed to type an email to Dani to cancel because I didn't want her to think I was a total nutjob. So while I'm brutally attacking myself for being a worthless piece of crap, who is going to look like a worthless piece of crap in the family photos - I'm obsessively planning our outfits like a ADHD queen on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and binge eating to deal with the shame of overspending on clothes that probably won't fit in 2 months because I can't make myself not eat. I don't get outside to get fresh air & exercise that would help me look & feel better because I'm painstakingly searching Etsy for just the right teal tights for Sophia. This cycle continued for 60 days...I swear to god! And the whole time I'm silently praying for a huge December 2nd blizzard so I can pretend to be devastated that our family photos had to be canceled. 

Literally. This is what my brain does and I know it's crazy. Shame is my crazy and I'm learning to deal with it. Shame = attaching my own self-worth to things like weight, perfect teal tights and adorable holiday cards. I'm working through it. This post is part of that. 

Even though in the back of my head I knew was going to hate the photos because I hate how I look, we went to the photo shoot. December 2nd was a great day. It was warm (like 50 freakin' degrees) with hazy cloud cover that made the afternoon sun a nonissue. The setting was lovely. The outfits came together. Trevor wore a sweater...with the tags on because he said he'll never wear it again. Dani Stephenson worked her magic. When the disc arrived in the mail 10 days later, I nervously popped it into the computer to see the damage - I started crying...like a lot!

I cried because look like their mom. I cried because we all look happy and real. I cried because I was relieved. I cried because the outfits worked. I cried because I love the photos. 

I cried because I spent 2 months in Crazytown trying to avoid looking like this person... 

I know, I know Freckle Friday is supposed to be focused on these guys....not my crazy shit. 

Here are some of my favorites of them!

Have a shamefree weekend, folks. Oh, and schedule a family photo shoot. You won't regret it!

13 Best Life Guidelines for 2013

I appreciate all the positive feedback for my last blog post, but I have to be honest. I have issues and I need to work on them. Like immediately! So yeah, I will count the freckled faces & dead animals this year, but I also NEED to see the pounds on the scale go down and to dedicate my time & energy on the people and things in life I find most important. So being the best Julie Stephenson I can be requires a bit of hard work, a lot of focus & a some new habits.

In order to make that happen I must follow certain guidelines that I know work best for me...if I'm willing to work hard and focus. These guidelines are simple, but they don't change things overnight. They need to be nurtured. They required intentional and conscience living. These 13 guidelines require constant practice. They may change as my life changes, but these address my biggest challenges in life and must become my biggest priority in order for me to be at my best.

Unfortunately, these guidelines are also easily pushed to the back burner when I feel stressed, overwhelmed, tired, sick, taken advantage of, or annoyed. Which according to my journal is my most consistent feeling! This comes as no surprise to my husband, kids, friends, fellow school board members - you know anyone who has seen me regularly in the last year and a half. They know I'm annoyed! Anyway, before I get too annoying about how annoyed I am here are my 13 Best Life Guidelines. I believe by sticking to these simple and specific tasks I will be a better Julie Stephenson 365 days from now...or I will be super fricking annoyed!

1. Be active outside for 30 minutes every single day.
2. Eat only shamefree food.
3. Write every single day.
4. Develop my strengths.
5. Hold the tension.
6. Exercise more days than not in a month.
7. Read more.
8. Screen less.
9. Build relationships.
10. Be grateful.
11. Live without shame every single day.
12. Keep a daily family log.
13. Only wear elastic waist pants between 7pm - 7am. This was a late addition. Made necessary after putting jeans on yesterday for the first time in about two and a half weeks...WOW! Not pretty or comfortable...or safe for anyone standing near me. When the button pops, and it will, someone will probably lose an eye. 

What do you think? 

I wrote a book...

A little over a week ago my friend Sarah and I became published authors. It's been an amazing 7 days- full of smiles, congratulations, and autographs.  September 27, 2012 will be forever ingrained in my memory as the most beautiful autumn day in the history of the world. The warm sunshine and the chameleon fall colors made the drive to Park Printing Solutions completely surreal. The books were supposed to arrive around 11. Joyce from Park Printing was going to call when they were delivered so I could rush right up. By 9am I was pacing like a meth head needing a fix as I waited for the phone call. When it finally came I literally ran from my house to the truck. Yes, that's right...I ran and there wasn't even a bear chasing me!

Just so you know I drive like a maniac. Not so much "swerving in the ditch" kind of crazy but fast for no reason. I have always have. Even when I'm not late...which is hardly ever. On the most boring of days I would give Matt Kenseth a run for his money, so imagine the 40 mile trek in my husband's Dodge Hemi to pick up the first load of books! I had a hard time keeping the speedometer under 80. 

I finally set the cruise control because I remembered this whole project was a volunteer effort and I doubted Sarah was going to let me claim a speeding ticket as a necessary expense. I texted Sarah on the way to Verona assuring her I wouldn't look at the books until I was with her. Yes, I was texting and driving just under 80! Looks like maybe I am "swerving in the ditch" kind of crazy behind the wheel after all, huh? Wrong! I use voice activation text for safety. However, my texts are usually completely indecipherable. I sent one last week that read "Can you text me Polish Cities phone number?" Maybe I want to talk to Kraków!

As I backed the big truck up to the loading dock I thought I was going to die from excitement. A years worth of hard work was about to be placed in my hands for the first time. We'd been seeing electronic copies of the book for weeks, but knowing I was about to hold the finished product in my hand was overwhelming. As the door opened I saw Joyce standing just inside with a  copy of a shiny orange book. That women was holding our baby, Super Snacks for Super Kids.

We heard that seeing the book might be a little anti-climatic. After working so hard for so long and letting the idea of this build up in our heads we were warned we could actually focus on the one tiny mistake or misprint the book may have instead of focusing all the amazing things we worked so hard on. I was prepared for that. I was actually expecting to have more of that than Sarah. If something is wrong with the recipes we both take the blame because we both compiled, tested and tweaked them together. But if the pictures suck...that's all on me. I prepared myself for the worst case scenario. I was prepared to see pixelated, grainy & blurry photos.  

Joyce walked out of the door and handed me the book. It felt solid and substancial. It smelled brand new. It looked beautiful.  Joyce said, "Go ahead! Look at it!" I explained my text to Sarah and that I needed going to wait, but I was dying inside to see the photos. I wanted to finally relax, and let go of the worry and self-doubt. I needed to know if the shock, disappointment and humiliation I'd been saving up could be put back where it belonged...in the bathroom ready and waiting for the days I weigh myself. 

I told Joyce to open the book to any page. I wanted a glimpse of proof that the photos turned out great. She assured me they did as she cracked the binding for the first time randomly landing on page 42 & 43. There on the page with Quick Baked Apples & Watermelon Berry Sorbet were the most lovely photos I'd ever seen. Photos I had looked at probably 50 times before. But now seeing them printed and bound in a glossy hardcover with my name on it, they looked AMAZING! Not pixelated, not blurry, not grainy at all. I relaxed. I let go. Then I frantically helped load the truck and raced to Mineral Point as fast as I could trying hard not to panic nearby drivers or the road workers repairing the highway right outside of Ridgeway...although I think I failed that last one. 

In my head (and out loud) on the drive home I repeated, "I wrote a book." No, not in that sweet, high-pitched, girly-excited kind of tone. I repeated the words in my best what-what, gangsta thug voice. "I wrote a book." Then I started singing it a little. Then I added lyrics using the tune of my all time favorite YouTube songs, "We wrote a book and it's really great and we gonna raise a lot of money for the school and..." 

Everyday Leadership...

I had 4 meetings today. All completely different with one common thread - Leadership.

This was the video shown during the very last one. It's a good way to summarize my entire days work.

Enjoy! 

Remember when I...

was a blogger? I do, and every part of me is screaming "Go back to it! Blog your heart out. Blog because you love it. Blog because you need it. Blog because it makes you who you are!"

Last night at 2:12 am, I finished reading Kelle Hampton's memoir, Bloom - finding beauty in the unexpected. It's a wonderful book. Her description of how her life changed the second she saw her newborn baby's almond shaped eye was almost as touching now as the first time I read it nearly 3 years ago...when she was just a blogger. The fancy hardcover and beautiful ecru pages didn't make her story any more touching today than when I read it at midnight in front of my computer screen all those months ago. As I read Kelle's story & about a million posts after it that night, I felt an immediate connection. We both loved sharing stories and photos from a wonderful life. Different in so many ways yet we still felt compelled to publish our stories online for the world to see, with the main purpose being gratitude and intention.  After that late night I was hooked on Hampton. I used to read her blog and comment occasionally (which I hardly ever did to anyone else), I'd listen to her playlist while I wrote stories sharing my thoughts on life & family. I'd rock out while I uploaded photos of my kids to put with the silly, sad or sarcastic post I'd written imagining this is probably how Kelle does it. I'd show Sophia photos of sweet Nella and tell her about my old friend Aurora who was beautifully different the same way Nella was. Our family donated to Nella's ONEder Fund on her behalf.  Kelle Hampton and her way of blogging felt natural to me. She was like an old friend to me then...when I was a blogger.

I believe the most amazing part of her book was the way she didn't let this huge, hectic new stage in her life take her away from who she was and what she did best. Sure, she has written a book, done amazing things for Down syndrome awareness and probably a truck load of other things she doesn't share in her posts, but mainly she continues to post about the loveliness that is her perfectly imperfect life. That's where she continues to share her gifts. She makes time to maintain her blog because it makes her happy, allows for reflection, and gives appreciation for the small things. Over the last year I've lost touch with the adventures of Kelle, Lainey & Nella, and the rest of the Hamptons, as well as the lovely little blogging life I had, because things got hectic. The combination of the job loss, a budding photography business, subbing at school, passing a referendum, writing a cookbook and being elected to the school board pushed From The Compound far from my sight.  I lost my blog...and as it turns out a bit of myself.

I have done a lot of awesome things in the last year, but the thing I love and want to do most has taken a back seat again. I want to share my imperfect life with my readers. I want my kids to be the bulk of the material on my memory cards. Not just on a photo or two in between family shoots and weddings. Photography on a professional level carried me through last fall when I was scared and unsure about what I needed to do to contribute to our household's security and for that I'm grateful, but I paid a price too. It is a price I have no intention of paying this year. Emotionally and spiritually there was no return on my investment, and I'm not going to choose safe & secure over unhappy and searching. Reading Kelle's story showed me that I still have a choice in being daring & bold. She and so many others like her don't. The choice was made for them. As a "professional" photographer I'm not filling a void. When I stop taking photos someone is there to fill the space. But when I don't blog the space remains hollow and vacant. The void that needs filling is the entry less weeks and months on this blog. I'm the only one with my voice. My readers find something here that they enjoy and that they can't quite find anywhere else.

Most importantly, I find myself here. Hidden in between the grammatical errors and the occasional f-bombs I find clarity and strength on this blog. When I share thoughts here I feel alive and vibrant and gifted and more funny than I do anywhere else. Best of all I feel connected to those like me - people who are living perfectly imperfect lives.

Kelle mentions a quote by Mary Oliver in her book and it has been in my head ever since I read it: “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”  Great question, huh? Stay tuned because I promise the answer will be documented right here.

Freckle Friday...May The Force Be With Me.

 When I am stressed, I shut down.  When I don't see the value in what I'm doing, I lose interest. When I feel taken for granted, I quickly retreat. When I don't understand, I silently withdraw. 

When I'm overwhelmed, I under appreciate.  I've been doing all these things a lot! 

I just kept thinking, "When things slow down I can focus, I can adjust, I can breath." 

But things don't slow down on their own. Newton knew what he was talking about. 

"An object continues to do whatever it happens to be doing unless a force is exerted upon it."

So I've started to exert some force. I'm not going to continue doing whatever I happen to be doing. 

It's not the direction I want to be going.  I'm not totally sure where I'm heading, but I know for sure...

Spending some early morning time with my camera and bug in a flower is part of the journey. 

Time with freckle-faced kids sporting bed head & morning breath will keep me on course. 

My guide will be my favorite quote from my favorite book: 

Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

"To find the balance you want...you must keep your feet grounded so firmly in the earth that it's like you have four legs, instead of two. That way, you can stay in the world. But you must stop looking at the world through your head. You must look through your heart, instead."

Magic Mike...or not so much!

Tonight for a rare girls' night out 4 friends & I decided to catch the 6:40 showing of Magic Mike. Now I know what you're thinking - "6:40 on a Tuesday - these bitches know how to party!" That's right we do! Do you want to know how badass we are?  

Had there been a matinee we probably would have gone to it....yeah, I said it! That's how we roll.

So anyway, Magic Mike is terrible. Like poke my eyes out with a crab & herpe infested pecker terrible. Just plain bad! Please don't ever go to it! Decide to do ANYTHING else. 

Here is a short list of things I'd rather do than watch that terrible movie again...

5. Challenge Channing Tatum to a naked dance-off to be aired during halftime of the Super Bowl, and critiqued by Simon Cowell.

4. Explain to my 10 year old son what "How pregnant did you get that girl's mouth last night?" means. Which was my favorite quote from the movie by the way...

3. Slaughter Herman, the baby pig who made a couple of weird appearances in the movie, with my bare hands while a group of kindergartners watch. 

2. Eat some ecstasy laced vomit off the floor...just like Herman did in the movie!

1. Encourage my daughter to become a stripper, or a hooker or worse - an actress who would want to be in a movie as terrible as Magic Mike. 

Found in Mineral Point....

Look at the adorable little thing I found laying alone next to the side of the road this morning. 

Thank god I decided to get out and walk early! If I hadn't been struggling up Jackson Street this little guy could have gone unnoticed and likely have been flattened by an Ivey's truck. 

Luckily there is no real harm done. It's covered with a little dirt and got a couple of scratches. 

Nothing a little TLC won't fix.  

and the waves just keep pounding...

"I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship."

-Louisa May Alcott

Liebster Award winner...who? ME?!

For as long as I can remember, just when I start to feel completely overwhelmed, overworked and just dog-ass tired - the universe throws me a bone! I haven't always seen this pattern as clearly as I have in the last few years, but if I dig deep and think about the milestones in my life there is a definite trend of barron, dry patches followed by rich abundance.

Today, I stumbled upon this dusty old neglected blog of mine to find this recent comment waiting for me...

"Sadly, I am no longer making snacks for the after-school crowd, but what a great idea for fresh ideas for healthy fare for the tots! I have awarded you with the Liebster Award on over at my blog, and appreciate the encouragement I received from you early on in the A-Z Challenge to keep going! Glad to see you still have steam to keep up the posting!"

WHAT?!?!? So I ran (which I can do now since I've finally upgraded from dial up) to her lovely little blog & did some digging.  In Carrie's post, she says,

"I met Julie at From the Compound through the A-Z Challenge (and no, I didn't choose recipients based on whether or not their first names began with "J") and was drawn in my her beautifully designed blog, her early commenting on my blog and her wit.  She is pretty cool, if you ask me."

Umm...Holy crap! 

Cool & witty, that I understand, but did she say "beautifully designed blog"- Carrie is my new best friend! 

So here's the lowdown on the adorable Liebster Award:

Liebster in German, means Dearest, Beloved, or Favorite, and it's for bloggers with under 200 followers. There are 5 rules for accepting a Liebster Award:

1. Thank your Liebster Blog Award presenter on your blog.

2. Link back to the blogger who awarded you.

3. Copy & paste the blog award on your blog.

4. Reveal your 5 picks.

5. Let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.

I whole-heartedly accept this award (& the notoriety that I'm certain will follow - sure to propel me into blogging greatness). I want to sincerely thank Carrie from The Slow Dipped Life for thinking of me and From The Compound, in the same vein as words like Dearest, Beloved or Favorite. 

Seriously...THANK YOU! This could not have come at a more perfect time to keep me energized and excited about blogging. I just hope my comment has given you as much joy as this award has given me! 

To Be Continued...

My Town {Road}

I drove around last night trying to find a lovely section of road to photograph for my post.  

As I drove, I listened to the Beastie Boys and kind of forgot about what I was supposed to be doing.  Instead I got sad & confused trying figure out how MCA got to be a 47 years old guy with cancer. He was 47?! 

What happened to these kids?  

image found on google 

Suddenly it hit me, in just a month, I will be 35! And I'm able to be driving around alone on a rainy Friday night jamming to the Beastie Boys because Owen is hunting in his very first turkey season & Sophia was sleeping over at a friend's house because they are 10 & 7 years old already!  

Damn it, so then I was sobbing and listening to Slow & Low wishing life had that tempo.

Busy Week Update!

I'm hell bent on making this blog a priority in my routine, however, it remains one of the first things that gets shoved to the back burner in times of beautiful Wisconsin weather, my babies' birthdays, supporting school referendums, Julie Stephenson Photography shoots, field trip chaperoning, PreK subbing and parent group goal setting. I get so annoyed because when I neglect this part of my life, I'm neglecting the only part I have total control over. 

These are just a few of the distractions that kept me from blogging this week. 

Only 11 days left until the referendum vote & the school board election...things are starting to get crazy. 

I hope all the hard work pays off!  PLEASE...

Guess, what time it is? 

Time for Sophia to turn 7 years old, and time for me to tumble into a deep depression called How The Hell Did My Baby Turn 7 syndrome. I don't think it's too serious; the cupcakes will probably cure me. In case you are wondering about the ass-dimpling dumplings, Sophia wants those when her friends come over next week. I promise to have photos!

I went with Owen and the rest of his 4th grade class to the beautiful Wisconsin State Capitol building. After hearing one of his classmates make a racial slur about the President of the United States, I made a mental note to NEVER let Owen go to that kid's house again, ever, and to negatively judge his parents until the day I die. Not because of their politics, but because they're brain dead morons who make racial slurs in front of their 10 year old. 

Owen loved being at the capital. He & I both thought it was pretty cool that our State Representative, Howard Marklein took time with the kids. He led them into the assembly chamber and guided them through some of the details of the gorgeous room. 

Anyway, I want to take a disciplined approach with this blog, and in order to do so I'm challenging myself to the April AtoZ Challenge. 1 month, 26 posts, each relating to a letter of the alphabet. Theme & post ideas are up to the blogger so once again I could neglect this like I've done time & time before, but I linked below (#1186) and other linked bloggers may be checking in to see what I'm up too.  I don't want to let my blogging buddies down.

My theme is going to the a photo (or two) of the day starting April 1st with the letter A. I plan to use brand new photos for this challenge, even during our spring break vacation to Texas. Luckily, I have a stock pile of never before seen photos from the last few weeks so I hope to get those posts scheduled this weekend. I have one small favor to ask of you, my loyal readers...please comment! It reminds me there are real, live humans that actually care about this blog. Those reminders motivate me more than you know, please keep them coming!