Last night we finished dinner early and decided that we'd kill time playing a few games with the kids. Did I say kill time...I meant... kill my will to live.
I'm not sure if it was the candy from the school Halloween parties or the lack of outside time since they had indoor recess most of the day, but OMG...playing games with the monsters we call children kids was torture last night.
It all started at the mention of games. The bickering about what we'd play and whose game we'd play first should have been a warning. We settled on Crazy Eights followed by Sequence. The three games of Crazy Eights wasn't too bad. The volume of the kids voices could have been turned down a notch. High School pep rally volume would have sufficient; jetliner take off level was just overkill.
Seriously, it easily could have been mistaken for Crazy Eight hour at the old folks home. There was lots of shouting and constant reminders. How to play the game, whose turn it was, the difference between a club and spade and so on. I even reminded myself that I actually like these kids.
Owen won the first two games, but Sophia prevented a sweep by winning the third. Now on to Sequence. I knew that playing Sequence with three single players meant it is going to be a long blow my brains out game, but we went for it anyway. Never go against your instincts.
I can't decide my favorite thing about our game of Sequence. Is it the sound of tiny round game pieces falling from the table to the floor every 12 seconds, as Sophia makes towers with them? Is it the fact that Owen doesn't look ahead so it takes him 10 minutes to decide which card to play? It could be the time that Sophia decide to take the red game pieces off the board 'cause she no longer wanted green towers.
Cut to an hour later when three spaces on the frickin' board are uncovered, and Owen finally decides to use 1 of the 3...yeah that's right 3...wild cards in his hand to win the game.
Note to parents: clearly and with great detail, explain the use of wild cards before games are played.
Trevor slid off his chair, at the end of our Family Game Night, with a crazed look in his eye. He had the shakes and was sweating. He started searching the refrigerator, pantry and finally the freezer. When he found a container of frozen orange juice, I think I saw a tear in his eye. He made a tall Southern Comfort and OJ, just to take the edge off...of our family game night.
This is my plea to you, parents of America:
Please, please reconsider family game nights. Let your kids watch Survivor. I believe that watching a gay man parade around a beach naked is far less detrimental.
The only way to avoid alcoholism and suicidal thoughts is to ban family game night at your house. Do it for your husband, do it for yourself, but most importantly, do it for your liver.
This message is brought to you by CBS's hit reality show, Survivor, which can be seen on Thursdays at 7pm Central Standard time.
And by Southern Comfort. If you happen to relapse and have another family game night, having SoCo on hand, should prevent you from slitting your wrists with the Crazy Eights cards...although results may vary.
Have a gameless weekend,