Those of you who know me, know that I've struggled to figure out what works for me in terms of spirituality.
Because of my Catholic background, questioning faith is hard. I used to wonder if GOD was waiting on his posh, pimped out cloud in heaven sharpening the lightning bolt for just the right moment to strike me for questioning him. This all fearing character is hard to shake if for the first 18 years of life most of your family knelt before him.
Personally, I am glad I had that Catholic guilt thing looming over me in high school. If the constant fear of getting pregnant wasn't there, I'd have probably been a lot more popular with the guys, if you know what I mean.
My beliefs are a bit different. I don't believe in one all knowing, creater of heaven and earth type God. Before I piss someone off...let me say that if you are an all knowing, creater of heaven and earth type God believer, great. I don't think you are wrong. I believe one thing and you believe another. That's OK.
Life has a randomness to it that, I believe, wouldn't be there if there was an all loving God in charge. I believe in goodness, love, and positive energy, but the whole one guy having power over all of mankind's fortunes or failures is hard for me to wrap my head around.
Especially on days like today. A young father was buried. He has an infant daughter. He was a loving husband, proud father and all around good guy. He had a lifetime of dreams to dream and memories to make.
At the same time, I have a 90 year old grandfather who has expressed over and over again his desire to "buy the farm". He has lived longer than his friends, and all the family of his generation. He is a devout Catholic and prayed the rosary more times than one could count. His mind is sharp enough to know that his body is failing and there's nothing he can do about it. As much as I love my grandfather, I don't love him enough to want him to stay here on earth wishing for rest and peace.
My moral compass or something in my soul, does not allow me to believe that God decided that the best thing for humanity would be to take a new father from his child. While leaving a man who's has been loved by 6 kids, 24 grandchildren, and 37 great-grandchildren praying to die. A man that is more than ready to meet him at the pearly gates. A heaven he believes in so deeply. The unfairness of the situation prevents me from believing that a guy that supposedly made the heavens and the earth, would allow this to happen.
I have to stick with what helps me make sense of tragedies like this. Faith. Faith that divinity is inside of each of us. Faith that generosity, goodness, and love are "prayers" that even non-believers repeat. Faith that the energy of the universe never dies. These beliefs comfort me in times of uncertainty, but if faith in God is how Aric's family and close friends make sense of this devastating loss, then I join in to say - god bless Aric & god bless his family.
Peace,
Julie
