5/9/11

A graphic tale...Muppet style.

For the last 6 years I've been pretty sure I only wanted to be a mother to the two adorable kids I already had, but we weren't in any real hurry to make it official. That was before the threat of losing our health insurance came crashing down on us. So we decided to finally take the bull by the horns, so to speak, and Trevor took one for the team, right in the nads.

He has never batted an eye about the talk of a vasectomy.  He's always been more than willing to do his part to provide permanent birth control.  When your husband is more than willing to be neutered for you, you know it's LOVE...I think Plato said that once.  I'll be honest, I wasn't sure he was going to go through with it after the initial consult a few weeks ago. When our great doctor, Dr G, described the CRUSHING, BURNING, & CUTTING that takes place to ensure it works the first time, Trevor got a little green.  Actually, he got this green...


...but he recovered quickly and we scheduled the appointment. So with the ice packs & athletic supporter purchased to keep "The Boys" cool and compressed, the DVR full of Ax Men & Ultimate Fighter (in case there was any question of his manliness), and the blood thinning beer put away we head off to the doctor's office.

Sidebar: Going to the doctor in a small town can be a very bizarre experience. More often than not you know the doctor and nurses on more than just professional level. Which is probably reassuring when hard diagnoses are given or helpful if they know your family's health history because they've been treating relatives for years. However, it can also be just a bit too close for comfort.  In the last year or so, our doctor got a new nurse. This new nurse happens to be an old neighbor from my childhood days, and she is my brother's ex-girlfriend's mother as well. Luckily, she is super professional and seems not at all bothered by chaperoning the PAP Smears of all the girls from the block in Calamine and assisting in neutering their husbands. She's a class act or she gets electro-shock therapy to erase the visions of "junk" that haunt her dreams!

The procedure took about an hour.  The nurse came to the waiting room and escorted me back to get directions on recovery because it's likely Trevor won't remember because of the good pain meds he was on.  I assumed he'd be dressed, sitting up, and ready to go...yeah that wasn't the case!  I walk in and the poor guy is laying there looking stoned out of his mind and completely wide open down under.  Which normally wouldn't be a problem because I've seen his penis like at least 3 times before, I mean come on, we've been married 11years.  What I didn't expect to see was a bloody penis bib (I'm pretty sure that is the official name for that thing) surrounding the area.  Not cool! So I immediately looked away and stayed right up by his head...the one not surrounded in blood...that is.

As the doctor is cleaning up the area and giving me instructions on how to help Trevor have a speedy recovery, I start to get a little dizzy and really hot.  I let them know that I need to sit down. Dr. G grabs a chair and tells me to put my head down, and then because Trevor's wife is a total wuss, he bends over to help Trevor get dressed.  Once he has Trevor fully clothed he looks at me and says "you look really pale", and gives me a cool rag for my neck, but I still feel light-headed and like I could throw-up if I lift my head.  That's when Dr. G says "you need to be fanned", and proceeds to open the door and swing it, violently, back and forth.  This not only give me some much needed air, but it exposes me (and my wienieness) to everyone in the hallway.  AWESOME!  After about 10 seconds of that humiliation I stand up on wobbly legs and assist Trevor out the car, where he finally laughs, shakes his head, and reminds me of the boatload of shit I gave him for turning green at the consult.  He then mentions all of the people I told and said he may have to return the favor...

So this is me, outing myself to the whole wide world: I turned into Kermit the Frog when I saw blood on a penis bib!  I made another grown man help my husband put on his underwear!  I SUCK!

Hopefully we'll be past all of this queasiness when I decide he needs to have the vasectomy reversed...

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